Alien Abduction for Professionals Read online

  I'd assumed a plate was a universal thing. The guys had them on the Jade. Not round, square, but still the same concept as on Earth: a portable and washable surface for your food.

  Xil laughed. "This place is too expensive for plates. Lay your hand on it and see what happens."

  Luckily, Matar and Havel seemed just as confused.

  With a shrug, I placed my hand on the ovoid, and it dissolved at the touch. Yes, it dissolved, raining down in tiny flecks, landing on my food. The bottom half of the pod stayed solid, now acting as a sort of bowl.

  "Seasoning," Xil said as if that was entirely normal. "If you want more, just use your communicator to alert the waiter."

  Okay then...

  "What if I didn't want any seasoning?"

  Immediately, all three guys looked at me with concern.

  "You don't?" Xil asked. "We can get you a new portion without any."

  "We'll complain to the cook," Havel added.

  "They should never have done that without asking," Matar growled.

  I couldn't help but laugh. And here I'd thought the tribitt was cute. My mates were on an entirely different level.

  "Guys, it's alright, it was just a hypothetical question. Do we get cutlery or do we eat with our hands?"

  Instead of a response, Xil pressed both his hands on the table, palms down. A strange light pulsed from underneath, then the metal surface began to boil. I blinked, trying to understand what was going on. A second later, a perfectly formed set of utensils lay next to Xil's hands. Not quite a knife and fork like we would have used on Earth, but quite similar.

  "They're custom created for each guest," he explained. "You can take yours home with you after as a souvenir. Look, it's even got the restaurant's logo embossed."

  I copied him, and to my relief, the metal didn't actually boil. The temperature stayed the same and within an instant, I had a fork and spoon. No knife. Finally looking at my food, I understood that I wouldn't need one. It was a sort of stew with green and blue bits floating in a dark liquid. And it was smoking. Not steaming like any sizzling dish would, but smoking as if it had just been on fire. I sneezed.

  "That would be the burnt yaki roots," Havel said, already digging into his own meal which was smoking in the same way. "They don't taste like much raw or even boiled, but if you burn them, they release their flavour. Only the best cooks know how to infuse a dish with yaki root smoke. I’ve only had it once or twice before."

  Okay then. This evening was becoming weirder and weirder. My food had been seasoned with smoke and tiny metal fragments. Normal. Totally normal.

  My stomach growled, and I decided it was time to push all my questions aside. While the stew didn't look as appetising as I'd hoped, it smelled delicious.

  And it tasted divine. My tongue may have had an orgasm after I swallowed the first spoonful.

  Flavours exploded in my mouth, so full of depth that I was sure I'd never tasted anything this amazing before. Layers upon layers of taste overwhelmed my senses, but not too much so that I couldn't wolf down the stew.

  We ate in silence, all of us completely occupied with our food. I even forgot that I'd wanted to try the guys' dishes. By the time I'd emptied my bowl, I was stuffed to the top and wouldn't have been able to even squeeze in a single scoop of ice cream. Which was almost unheard of. 'There's always space for ice cream because it melts and runs into all the little gaps', my grandma used to say. Alien stew had proven her wrong for the very first time.

  I leaned back, sated and a little sleepy.

  "Would anyone like dessert?" the waiter suddenly asked. I was in such a food coma that I hadn't even noticed them approach.

  "No," we said as one.

  Havel groaned a little. He had three empty bowls in front of him - no idea how he'd managed to eat all that.

  "Do you require a private space to ruminate?" they asked.

  I stared at them. "Ruminate? Like a cow?"

  "Some species do that," Matar whispered. "Others will expel the food they've just eaten just so they can try more of the dishes on offer."

  Like in Ancient Rome. Disgusting. And such a waste of food.

  "Just the bill, please," Xil said with a wry smile. "And could you order us a shuttle?"

  A strange pain suddenly erupted in my stomach, like I was being stabbed from within. I clutched my belly but tried not to let the guys notice.

  "Where's the loo?" I asked the waiter and got to my feet.

  "Follow me," they said, but as soon as I'd taken the first step, the pain exploded into agony and I collapsed to the floor, unable to even break my fall.

  "Trish!"

  "What's wrong?"

  The pain was making it hard to breathe, hard to think. Blackness teetered at the edges of my vision as I curled into a ball, praying that this would be over soon.

  Xil

  My mate was writhing in agony. Her face was deathly pale, the only colour her red-rimmed eyes. Tears ran down her cheeks as she screamed in pain.

  "I'm not feeling too well," Havel suddenly groaned and then he went down, too. Klat, he was our medic, the male supposed to help Trish. Now he was on the floor, clutching his belly, clearly unable to help anyone, least of all himself.

  "I'll get help," the waiter shouted and ran off.

  I kneeled by Trish's side while Matar checked on Havel.

  "It's going to be alright, love," I whispered and lay my hand on her hot forehead. She was burning up. "Help is coming. You'll be back to normal in no time. Just hold on, little human, hold on."

  I didn't know what to say or do. I was helpless. It was the worst feeling in the universe. Trish was in pain, and there was no way I could make her better. If I could have taken her pain, I would have without hesitation. I was prepared to feel the burning whip of the Great A'Ta on my back if it meant Trish wasn't suffering. And I didn't even believe in A'Ta.

  "He's running a fever," Matar reported. "His fangs are extended. Not sure what that means."

  Trish didn't have fangs I could check to see if it was a shared symptom.

  It took the waiter an eternity to return with four other beings, two of them wearing the same loincloth while the others' white suits identified them as medics.

  "What happened?" one of the healers asked and pushed me aside. She was a petite Ankani, but the authority in her voice made me obey her immediately.

  "She just collapsed, holding her stomach. A few minutes later, my friend did the same. They're both in agony. You'll have to give them something for the pain."

  "I'll decide what to give them," she snapped. "Did they eat the same food?"

  "No. She had a vegetable and root stew while he had a loomani sausage. You'll have to ask the waiter if any of the ingredients were the same."

  "Yaki roots!" Matar exclaimed before the waiter had the chance to speak. "They both had yaki root smoke infused with their meals."

  Klat. He was right. I'd never heard of yaki root being poisonous, but it wasn't my area of expertise.

  "Peti'i, get me the antidote," the medic ordered the other healer while at the same time rummaging in her bag. She pulled out two syringes, stabbed one of them in Trish's upper arm, and then hurried over to Havel to give him the same injection. "That's going to stabilise them until we've got the antidote. Yaki root can be poisonous when burned for too short a period, but I wouldn't have expected this to happen in this restaurant."

  "I'll... I'll tell the cook," the waiter stammered and ran off.

  "Get the manager, too!" I shouted after him. "I've got a thing or two to say to them."

  Fury raced through my veins, and I had a hard time not to attack the remaining two waiters standing in the background. This was a clear case of negligence. They could have killed my mate and my friend.

  I growled.

  "Xil?"

  Trish opened her eyes and looked right at me. Some of the anger dissipated into relief.

  "Are you still in pain?" I asked and stroked her forehead again.

  "Of co
urse she is," the medic admonished me. "Don't ask such stupid questions. I've given her some light pain killers, but I can't give them anything stronger until we have the antidote. The two drugs might interact, and I don't want to risk that."

  "Hold my hand?" Trish asked weakly, and I was only too willing to oblige. She barely had to strength to return my grip on her hand. It scared me.

  I looked over at Havel. He was no longer writhing in pain either, but his face was pale and his fangs were still extended. He tried to hide his pain, just like Trish, but it was clear that both of them were suffering. I was going to kill that cook. We'd come here to have a wonderful evening, to celebrate our completed nest. This was a disaster.

  The other medic returned, holding a metal lockbox. I squeezed Trish's hand. "Not much longer now, little human. You're going to be fine."

  "You might want to step back," the female medic warned me. "The antidote might induce vomiting, and you don't want to be in the line of fire."

  I didn't move. "I don't mind. My mate needs me."

  Matar didn't leave Havel's side either. I was proud of my friends, my family. We stood together even in the face of adversity and vomit.

  Luckily, it never came to that. As soon as the medic had injected Trish and Havel with the antidote, colour returned to their faces.

  "Wow, that worked fast," Trish said and sat up without needing help. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders to steady her, just in case - plus after almost losing her, I needed the physical contact. It took all my mental strength not to throw her over my shoulder, carry her to our ship and ravish her in the nest until we'd both forgotten about today's events.

  "No nausea?" the medic asked but was interrupted by loud retching from Havel. One of the waiters handed him a bowl and my poor friend started filling it with the contents of his stomach.

  The healer looked almost pleased. "Just like I said, the drug can cause vomiting. You'll both be fine. Don't eat anything today, but drink lots of fluids. Go to bed early and rest. Tomorrow you should be able to eat normally again, but maybe avoid yaki roots for a while."

  "Never again," I growled.

  I helped Trish to her feet but kept my arms around her. I wasn't going to let go of her any time soon.

  "I'm fine," she muttered, but she didn't try to get out of my embrace. On the contrary, she leaned against my chest, just the way I liked it.

  The waiter arrived with three other aliens in tow. The largest of them, a species I'd not encountered before, wore an apron covered with stains. The cook, I presumed. The other two were clad in business suits, a female with a bright green mane and a fellow Kardarian male.

  He greeted me with the traditional fist-on-chest gesture, but I didn't return it. I wanted to greet him with fist-on-nose and fist-to-his-balls, but luckily I had my arms around Trish and attacking him would have meant letting go of her.

  "I apologise on behalf of the entire Outer Ring Restaurant," the male said. "I can't explain how this happened. We've never had any issues like this before, but of course, our cook will be disciplined."

  The flabby cook had the decency to look guilty. Maybe the punishment should be him ingesting poisonous yaki roots. That way he could feel the pain he'd inflicted on my family.

  "We will, of course, compensate you for your troubles," the Kardarian continued. "We have a new restaurant that just opened on Labeari, the resort planet near the Kepler Two space station. How about two weeks all-inclusive at the resort with all expenses paid? Plus a generous stipend so you can enjoy all the pleasures Labeari has to offer?"

  "Are you trying to bribe us?" I snarled. "I assume in return you don't want us to tell anyone about the poisonous yaki?"

  The male took a step back, fear flashing across his face before he smoothed his expression. "Not at all. I just want to make sure you all have a relaxing time to recover from what happened. How about we throw in money for fuel and some delicacies to sustain you during your journey? Plus any salary you might miss out on during your holiday?"

  "We'll take it," Trish said before I could attack the slimy Kardarian. He was a shame to our species, weaselling his way out of the situation. "But we want three weeks plus free food at all your restaurants for a whole year."

  The male's eyes widened just a fraction before he nodded. "Agreed. And you won't tell the media about this, right?"

  "Our ship could use an upgrade to our engine," Matar said from behind me. "We'd want to travel to Labeari as fast as possible."

  "Obviously." The Kardarian sighed. "I'll make the necessary arrangements. Again, I apologise for the inconvenience."

  He walked off, followed by everyone except the original waiter.

  "I'm so sorry," they said, before also shuffling away.

  Havel's laugh interrupted the moment of silence that echoed their departure. "We got a good deal. Might have been worth the pain." I turned just in time to see him bend over his bowl again.

  Poor guy.

  Professor Katila looked angrier than I'd ever seen before. I hadn't thought Karangi could get this furious. They were known for being benevolent, kind and intelligent, but right now, Katila didn't seem any of those. Her middle eye was blazing with anger as she stared us down through the video link.

  "Say that again," she hissed.

  "We quit," I said calmly for the third time in a row. "We'll no longer be part of your course. We don't care what grade you give us for the beginners’ class. We don't care at all about you and the IGU. All we want is to be left in peace and spend time with our mate."

  "You would never have found your mate without my course. I never expected you to be such ungrateful-"

  "Ungrateful?" I repeated. "You basically blackmailed us into becoming part of your case study. You should be grateful that we agreed to that. And you've only got yourself to blame. If you hadn't kidnapped Trish, we might still be willing to cooperate with you."

  "I didn't kidnap her," Katila seethed. "I only commissioned it."

  "How is that any different," Trish demanded furiously. "Just because you didn't get your hands dirty doesn't mean you're innocent. Just accept it, we're quitting. We've got better things to do than dance to your tune."

  "You'll regret this. All the time and resources I invested in you... you're going to pay for it. I will have to start my research from scratch. So many hours wasted… You better watch your back. Yaki roots aren't the only poisonous things out there."

  She ended the transmission before I could reply. I turned to the others. Their shock mirrored my own.

  "How did she know?" Havel asked. "We didn't tell anyone about the yaki. Do you think that was her doing, too?"

  "I wouldn't put it past her," Trish said. "She doesn't seem to respect laws and ethics, so what would stop her from bribing the cook to poison us?"

  "But to what end?" I questioned. "What good would that do? The kidnapping was a test to see how we'd react and if we'd manage to rescue you. As awful as it was, you were never in real danger. If we'd not saved you, they would have released you eventually. Poisoning you and Havel is an entirely different matter. You could have died. Why would Katila want that?"

  "If I was gone, she could have made you abduct more humans. That's what she wanted from the start. It would have fit her course. It's called Alien Abduction for Beginners, after all, not Alien Mating With The Female You Abducted."

  "I don't know. As much as I loathe her, I don't think she'd go that far. She's watching us, who knows, maybe she had a spy in that restaurant?"

  Havel sighed. "It doesn't matter. We're free of her now, that's what counts. As much as I wanted to have that certificate to show our families that we're proper abductors, it's not worth the trouble."

  Trish nodded. "It's the knowledge that counts, not the qualification. You know how abductions work - not that I'll ever let you abduct another female." She laughed. "I'm the only abductee in your life and that's what it'll stay like."

  Matar pulled her onto his lap. "Yes. It's perfect. You, us, the Jade. And your
little tribitt."

  Her pet was sleeping in a basket by her feet. While the animal loved cuddles while it was awake, it preferred to sleep without being touched. It had actually growled at me earlier when I'd got too close to the basket. He had slept through our launch from the space station. I was glad he hadn’t got scared, but we had yet to see how he would react when we encountered some space turbulence.

  "That reminds me, he needs a name," Trish said. "And I don't want to decide that myself. I want it to be something meaningful for all of us."

  "Is this what it's going to be like once we have offspring?" I asked with genuine curiosity.

  "No offspring any time soon. But once we do get pregnant, then yes, I'd like us all to come up with names together."

  "We get pregnant?" Havel repeated. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but Kardarian males don't have a uterus."

  Trish laughed until tears appeared in her pretty eyes. "It's just an expression. I'm going to be the one carrying our baby, but it's something you will all be involved in."

  "Of course. We'll watch over you every minute of the day," I told her. "We'll massage your feet, we'll cook your meals, we'll hold your boobs when they get too heavy."

  Trish broke into laughter again. Her cheeks were bright red, and I was starting to get worried. "Uhm... no boob holding required. I've got a bra for that. Although... I won't say no to you doing that while we're in our nest."

  "My hands are much warmer than your silly bras. I'm sure you'll change your mind once your breasts are full of milk for our hungry offspring. I remember my aunt sitting on my uncle's lap all day, him holding her breasts..."

  I stopped because she was still laughing.

  Havel looked at his communicator. "Careful, chicken, you're not getting enough oxygen."

  That made her laugh even harder. Had we broken our human?

  "What names were you thinking of?" I asked to distract her. I didn't want her to suffocate.

  "Maybe something to do with his colour," she said, her voice now hoarse from all the laughing. "What's the Kardarian word for green?"

  "Skweke," Havel replied.