Alien Abduction for Professionals Read online

  "What's that?" Trish asked and hurried towards a garishly purple stall. "Are those earrings?"

  "Translators," the shop owner replied with a charming smile that made me want to punch him. "Not all people want theirs implanted or some kind of ugly device. This is the most fashionable way to show that you're open to other cultures and willing to talk to them."

  "That makes no sense," Xil grumbled. "You could easily lose them and then you're stuck without a translator. No, implants are the way to go."

  "Look, over there," I said quickly and pointed at another stall. "I think they have piki cakes."

  "Pikis!" Havel roared and ran there as if he was starving.

  Just like I'd hoped, Trish forgot all about the weird translator jewellery and followed Havel to the food stall. The owner, a massive Intaran female with enough body fat to last her through several famines, wasn't as charming as the other seller. She simply looked at us as if she knew she had no need of charm and sales pitches. Everyone loved piki cakes. I didn't know how it was possible, but almost every species in the galaxy enjoyed these small, moist cakes. The recipe was closely guarded, and I'd never met a piki seller who'd even say if there was meat, plants or something else entirely in them. Not that it mattered.

  "Fifty cakes, please," Havel ordered.

  The Intaran's expression changed to something more pleasant, while Xil scowled at Havel. Fifty cakes were excessive and would swallow a large part of our budget. Professor Katila had warned us that we'd have to adjust our budget when shopping with a female, but this wasn't Trish ordering an extortionate amount of cakes.

  "Where shall I deliver them to?" she asked. "It'll take me a while to wrap them all."

  Havel pressed his communicator against the receiver on her table to transmit our parking spot data. "Give us four to go, the rest can be delivered. No need to hurry, we'll be here for a while."

  "I assume they're some kind of delicacy?" Trish asked when we walked away from the stall. "You seem to be very keen on them."

  Havel laughed. "Wait until you've tried one. You'll never want to eat anything else."

  "Which is impossible because we couldn't afford it," Xil muttered, but humour glinted in his eyes. He loved piki cakes just as much as the rest of us.

  The medic handed Trish one and she unwrapped it eagerly, revealing the dark red cake. It was stamped with the traditional Intaran symbol that marked it as an original. Many people had tried to replicate them, but none had succeeded.

  Trish took a first bite and her eyes widened. "This is amazing. What's it made of?"

  "Nobody knows," I explained, "but don't let that stop you. It's not harmful."

  She stopped eating. "You don't know? How can you eat something without knowing what it is?"

  Havel chuckled. "Do you really care after tasting it?"

  Trish took another bite, then shrugged. "Point taken. I'm glad you ordered that many."

  We continued walking while enjoying our piki cakes, ignoring the other food stalls for now. We might return to them later, but the cakes would sate us for a while. Despite their small size, they were as filling as a full meal.

  "Let's have a look over there," Xil said and led us towards a tech stall. "I could do with some upgrades to my communicator."

  I suspected that wasn't what Trish was interested in, so I took her hand and pulled her the other direction. "You do that while Trish and I will continue to explore. Get me some upgrades too. My holo screen has been flickering recently."

  Before the others could protest, we disappeared into the crowd. I was glad to be alone with Trish. Living in such close quarters on the ship, it was hard to spend some time with just her.

  "Where are we going?" she asked.

  I shrugged. "Wherever you like. Shall we look at clothes?"

  Professor Katila had emphasised how important clothing was to females. Especially shoes.

  "Yes - wait, what are those?"

  She hurried towards a pet stall. Oh no. Xil had told me to avoid those. Larger animals were sold on one of the other shopping platforms, but pets and smaller service animals could also be found on this platform. Klat. Xil would kill me if I allowed her to get a pet. But looking at her expression as she took in the animals whining, barking, chirping and meowing from their cages, I knew that it was too late.

  "Welcome, welcome," the owner called from behind a massive aaven who was getting its scales polished. Those six-legged beasts were prized as guard animals, but they were also great with children and would often be the first mount of juveniles living in rural areas. No, we were not getting an aaven.

  "What are you in the mood for, my dear? We've just had a delivery of loovins. They're aquatic, but each comes with a floating liquid-filled bubble so you can take them with you wherever you go. They're long-lived, very loyal and don't make any noise."

  He pointed at a stack of glass balls, each housing a strange-looking creature with fins twice as large as their bodies. I had no idea why anyone would want those as a pet. The word pet implied that you could touch and stroke the animal, but I doubted you could do that with loovins.

  To my relief, Trish ignored both the aaven and the loovins. Instead, she stared at the tribitts housed in a large cage beneath the stall. I remembered how we'd once mentioned them in conversation. I dimly recalled that Xil even told her she could have one.

  The little long-eared creatures were a sorry sight. While the other pets were all in pristine condition, the tribitts looked like they'd not been brushed in days. They were well-nourished but clearly hadn't been given the same attention as the other animals.

  "Those are tribitts," the owner said dismissively. "Very old-fashioned. Nobody wants them nowadays. I only keep them because nostalgic tribitt enthusiasts need new breeding females for their herds."

  "Ooooooh," Trish exclaimed. "You told me about them, Matar. You didn't say that they look like rabbits!"

  "That's because I have no idea what a rabbit is," I chuckled. "But if you say so..."

  "What's a rabbit?" the stall owner asked curiously. "Are they cute?"

  "Very," Trish replied with a dreamy expression. "I used to have one as a child. They have ears just like these tribitts, but they're a bit smaller and less colourful. Mine was white with beige spots, but you'll also find black and brown ones."

  "That sounds dull," I remarked. "It would make them hard to spot."

  She laughed. "That's the point. In the wild, they're prey and need to camouflage."

  "They're not bred to be pets?" the seller asked with a strange expression. "You take them from the wild?"

  He looked horrified at the idea.

  "No, but their ancestors were wild. Wait, does that mean tribitts don't exist in nature?"

  The stall owner shook his head. "All these pets were created to be just that. Pretty, cute, easy to look after, house or space ship trained. Most of them listen to simple commands, while others are more intelligent. Tribitts can be too clever for some owners, especially when it comes to food. They're known to learn how to open drawers. I've even heard of some that can manipulate a fabricator. That could be just a myth, but I wouldn't put it past them. Devious little beasts. I don't know why they were even created. Now, my dear, how about one of these gorgeous Sliviean poro'la? They like to ride on their owner's shoulder and are excellent at removing body hair."

  One look at Trish told me that we'd leave Kitt-Y-6 with a tribitt. And when she looked at me and began to flutter her lush eyelashes, I knew I had no choice.

  "Which one do you like best?" I asked, repressing a sigh.

  Most of the tribitts in the cage were a shade of dark purple with bright pink ears. Two were golden with dark stripes, and-

  "The green one," Trish said determinedly. "It's the same shade as you. So pretty."

  My heart did a little jump at that. She chose that tribitt because it reminded her of me. I would have bought her a dozen tribitts just to hear her say that again.

  "Are you sure?" the owner asked, clearly no
t happy about it. I guessed the other pets were more expensive than the tribitts. After he'd told us that they were out of fashion, he couldn't charge a lot for them, not without losing face. That suited me just fine. We'd have more left in our budget to buy Trish other things. I wanted to treat her to a necklace I'd seen the last time we'd been on Kitt-Y-6. It was unlikely it was still available, but it would suit her perfectly.

  "Yes," Trish replied without hesitation. "That is if you're okay with that?"

  She turned to me.

  "Of course," I said quickly. "Anything for you."

  Trish smiled. "I'll give you a proper thank you later."

  My cock hardened. I knew exactly what she had in mind.

  I squeezed her hand, a promise of other squeezing I was planning on doing later. Her breasts were made for me, perfectly fitting into my hands. I loved massaging them, using just the right amount of pressure to make her moan and gasp.

  "Do you need a basic tribitt accessories set with that?" the stall owner asked, clearly hoping to increase his profits. "It includes a harness, leash, food bowls, litter tray, some toys and a first-aid kit."

  "First-aid?" Trish asked with wide eyes. "Do they get injured easily?"

  The male grinned. "No, that's for the owners. Tribitts can be moody."

  I rolled my eyes. "Don't listen to him. If you treat a tribitt right, he'll never scratch or bite you. But we'll take the set. I assume they're vaccinated and microchipped?"

  "Yes, they also have sensors implanted, so you always know where your tribitt is and how it's feeling. There's an app for your communicator."

  An app to monitor your tribitt. How silly.

  He opened the cage and grabbed the green tribitt by its ears. It let out an angry bellow, but the seller didn't seem to care. I was starting to regret buying from him, but it was too late. The way Trish looked at the tribitt meant she'd already fallen in love with it. Not that I could blame her. The little animal was adorable. While most of it was green, it had small pink spots beneath its eyes. Its paws were a lighter green, the same as the insides of its long ears. Trish had been right. It was almost the exact colour I was.

  "Do you want a cage for it?" the seller asked. "Or I can put the harness on it and you can carry it around with you. I should warn you, though, they go crazy for piki cakes so don't let them anywhere near that stall."

  I sighed. That was going to be a problem.

  Xil

  I tried to be as quick as possible with getting my essential purchases done. I'd give Matar a good talking-to later for stealing away Trish. That klatting male was going to spend tonight alone in his bedroom, without our human.

  While we squeezed through the crowd, Havel played around with the gadget he'd just bought. It was a ring that changed colour depending on Havel's mood. I didn't know why he needed it. Our healer was one of the easiest to read males I'd ever met. Maybe he'd got it for Trish, but since Kardarians and humans were so similar in looks and behaviours, it was really unnecessary. Oh well, it was his money. The IGU paid us for being their case study subjects in addition to giving us the chance of another certification, so we had some money to spare.

  "I want to get her a present," Havel suddenly said. "Any ideas?"

  I'd had the same idea, and it irked me that he'd said it first. Now he would think that I was copying him.

  "Maybe we should ask one of the assistants," I suggested, unwilling to tell him what I'd planned to get Trish. "They might be able to recommend something."

  Havel nodded and flagged down one of the AI globes swirling above our heads. Years ago, they used to have real people do this, but they switched to AIs for a 'better service'. To save costs, more like.

  "How can I be of assistance?" the AI asked in a seductive female voice. Did they all talk like that or had the AI determined that we'd react best to this voice?

  "We want to get our human female a present," I told the flashing globe. "Do you have any suggestions?"

  "Data on humans is lacking," the AI replied, managing to sound almost regretful. "Switching to generic female profiles. Does the female like cooking?"

  "No," both Havel and I said as one.

  "Does she like fashion?"

  "We want a present that's something special," I said before it could ask any more stupid questions. "Something that isn't a commodity. Something pretty and valuable. Something that shows her that we love her."

  I regretted saying that last bit. Admitting my love for Trish to an AI felt weird.

  "Maybe a present that her and I could use together," Havel suggested.

  Again, I hated him for coming up with that.

  "I know just the thing," the AI chirped. "Follow me."

  It led us through the crowd, occasionally hovering above a stall as if it was deciding whether to stop there or not, before continuing. We were halfway through the shopping platform before it finally landed on the roof of a busy stall. Males of all species, sizes and colours were standing around it, staring at the wares on offer. I exchanged a look with Havel. This was a good sign. Those males were likely buying presents for their females, too.

  Instead of waiting, I squeezed through the shoppers until I was pressed against the table. A strange selection of objects was spread out in front of me. I had no idea what any of them were, although some of the long objects' shapes reminded me of something. No, that couldn't be... could it?

  "Welcome," a shop assistant in barely any clothes greeted us. She was showing more skin than I liked. In the past, before we abducted Trish, I may have found the female attractive, but now I just found it irritating.

  "Are you looking for a toy to use with a male, female or other?"

  "Toy?" Havel asked.

  "Mating toys," the Ferven said, rolling her eyes.

  Havel and I looked at each other again. Neither of us knew what this was about.

  "Sometimes, you might want to add some more spice to your mating," the female explained with an exasperated sigh. "In the beginning, it's all exciting and new, but at some point, you'll run out of techniques and experiences to try. That's when our famous mating toys come into play. We've got toys for all species and preferences. Kardarians are one-cock-species, correct? Maybe your female would like to experience what it would feel like to be with a two or even three-cock-male? We've got some beautiful replicas, either standalone or as a strap-on."

  I wanted to rub my eyes in astonishment. Fake cocks? What was the galaxy coming to? Next, they'd come up with fake pussies and fake boobs.

  “Some of us do have two cocks, actually,” I told her and flicked my gaze downwards for a second to make it very sure that I was one of those males.

  “Apologies,” she muttered, but I ignored her and let my gaze wander over the stall's offerings. And instantly corrected my view of the universe when I realised both fake boobs and pussies were available. Including the rubbery replica of a four-boobed Ankanis female. How peculiar. Why would anyone prefer to play with this instead of the real thing? I supposed there were lonely males out there with no chance of ever abducting their own female. Havel, Matar and I were lucky to have found Trish, the most perfect female in the entire galaxy.

  "Our female has four Kardarian cocks to choose from," Havel said drily. "What else do you have?"

  "Take a look at these magic balls," the Ferven said and held up a chain of three fist-sized balls made of some kind of rubbery material. "They vibrate, and the deluxe version can even emit mating hormones, depending on the species. Or maybe you'd like your female to experience the pleasures of knotting?" She pointed at a strange ring. "Just push this over your cock and at the end of your mating, it will activate, locking you inside you female. You can set the time yourself or you can have it choose a random time. It can be most satisfying to be inside your female for hours, without neither of you able to break the link."

  My cock hardened at the thought of being bound to Trish in that way.

  "I'll take one," I said before Havel had the chance.

  "Woul
d you like small, medium or large?" she asked and held up three different sizes. As much as it pained me to admit, the large one was about three times the girth of my cock. I had no idea what species that was made for, but it had to be some kind of giant.

  "Medium," I admitted grudgingly.

  She grabbed a box from under the table and handed it to me. I pressed my communicator against the receiver, and it automatically took the credits from my bank account. I'd not even checked how much this knotting ring cost. That was so unlike me. Being with Trish was changing me in all sorts of ways.

  "What can I get for you?" the Ferven asked Havel. "How about this little remote-controlled vibe?"

  "What's a vibe?"

  "Really, don't Kardarians know anything?" she huffed, before putting on a fake smile again. "It's a vibrator. She'll insert it and it will vibrate when you want it to, stimulating her from within. Of course, you can also give her control over it, but most males prefer to be the ones to do the honours. Again, vibes come in all shapes and sizes. What species is your female?"

  Havel didn't reply and turned to me instead. "I might just get her some more piki cakes. This is so strange. Who says she even likes these toys? She might be offended if we give them to her."

  I gulped. I hadn't thought of that. Hopefully, she didn't mind. Trish loved mating, so she'd also love this, right?

  Without another word, Havel walked away from the stall. I grabbed my box and followed him, now very much doubting my purchase. I was going to have to talk to Professor Katila. Her advice about shopping for our female had been completely useless so far.

  Trish

  The little tribitt purred in my arms, looking up at me with his beautiful black eyes. There was a certain intelligence to his gaze. I couldn't wait to be back on the ship to play with him. Matar had promised to download a guide to tribitt husbandry to the reading device the guys had borrowed me. The animal looked a bit like a rabbit if you ignored the tiny antennae sprouting between its ears and the colour of its fur, so maybe he had a similar temperament and needs. The seller had reassured Matar that the tribitt was litter trained and wouldn't soil the ship. We'd see if that was true. After seeing how that guy had kept the poor little tribitts, ignoring them in favour of fancy pets that were in fashion, I didn't trust his words.